Archive for the ‘Men of the Bow’ Category

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Gewoon ff een leuke foto tussendoor

20/09/2009
Wessel Colsen

Wessel Colsen

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Gewoon ff een leuke foto tussendoor

14/09/2009
Martijn Thijsen

Martijn Thijsen

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Men of the Bow – Part four

25/07/2009

Perfect day for Bowman.

7 a.m. Wake up to screams from chicks outside Hotel wailing for your autograph and chanting your name.

7.10 a.m. Put away circus trapeze above king size bed from last nights 2 girl aerobic work out.

7.20 a.m. Shower, look in mirror hair and O’Neil’s still in perfect position.

7.30 a.m. Slide down marble banister and glide past chicks outside on roller blades throwing business cards and blowing kisses.

7.40 a.m. Arrive at Yacht club, skip breakfast, go to boat, already rigged and tuned by Kiki, new mid-bow drop dead gorgeous Dutch chick who says she loved you at first site and admits to being a former lap-dancer, says she will do ANYTHING for you [if you keep it quiet]. She follows you below to aft cabin and begs you to be quick, as the rest of the crew will shortly turn up, you wonder if that is possible.

9.40 a.m. Go back on deck to smirks from rest of crew who congratulate you on bonding with the new member of the bow team.

10 a.m. Perfectly called start with height and speed you roll over the top of closest rival witness spat between rival bowman and helmsman, having forced them over the line early.

10.15 a.m. First to top mark, perfect gybe set orchestrated by yours truly, leaving the fleet trailing, settle down at mast with lazy guy in hand, Kiki in your lap caressing your head.

10.30 a.m. Miles ahead approaching windward mark, early drop called, kite halliard won’t budge. Instinctively you free climb the entire rig in seconds and free the crossed halliards, sliding down the mainsail and landing like a Ninja in front of Kiki who gasps and faints into your arms,you throw her over your shoulder, stamp on the smoking halliard and pull in a perfect float drop. Hair and O’Neil’s still in perfect position.

Race finished at windward mark due to lack of wind return to yacht club victorious, a pat on the back from each of the crew and a call of “great bow work”.

11 a.m. Kiki drags you into ladies locker room tearing at your clothes eager for some attention, it’s a hard life but someone’s gotta do it.

12.15 p.m. Emerge washed and changed with fully flushed Kiki strapped to your arm, hair and O’Neil’s still in perfect position. Explain to Kiki that you need to check your e-mail, reluctantly she lets you go.

12.30 p.m. 120 e-mails from fans left unopened, open message from agent:

“Ducati,Johnsons Baby Oil,Mountgay and Durex have all confirmed full sponsorship for your thesis on the effects of Sun,sex and alcohol on the international yacht racing motor-cycle enthusiast”

1 p.m. Skip lunch, receive urgent message from agent on mobile phone, stretch limo is outside Yacht Club to rush you to Team Oracle Lear Jet at airport, wave good bye to present crew, Kiki starts crying.

2 p.m. Lunch with Larry Ellison (spring water and melon), put in charge of rig development with open cheque book.

3 p.m. Gucci Model shoot with 10 supermodels fighting to snuggle up to you. Retire to girls dressing room for dress up fantasy game. Outside the paparazzi are building.

8 p.m. Leap and somersault over press, Matrix style, hair and O’Neil’s still in perfect position. Kiki phones she is on the first flight available and NEEDS to have a physical evening. Retire to hotel suite over looking main square of city; sip chilled orange juice watching sun disappear through the palm trees.

8.30 p.m. Kiki burst through hotel door ‘stamped urgent’, you push her off explaining that you had to sign a full exclosure agreement with Ellison and your denial of sexual relations with a former lap dancer will be going out on the world’s media in 5 minutes.

8.35 p.m. The world press denounce the evil slut for attempting to slurry the name of the first ever official Demi-god. Kiki says she will always love you.

9 p.m. World domination achieved.

10 p.m. Bed… Hair and O’Neil’s still in perfect position.

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Men of the Bow – part three

21/07/2009

eclectic1NOTICE FROM THE FOREDECK
“Good day and thank you for calling the foredeck. Right now, all our friendly foredeck staff are busy packing chutes or helping other crewmembers.”

Please press one for a headsail change,
…two for a spinnaker peel,
…three for a windward douse,
…four for leeward douse,
…five for a hoist,
…six for a gybe,

or leave us a message and one of our courteous bow-people will get back to you as soon as possible.

In a hurry? No problem. Simply email your request to foredeckgods@thebow.com and we’ll respond within twenty-four boat-lengths.

For answers to frequently asked questions, please visit:
http://www.shutthefuckupbackthere.com.
Thanks again and have a great race!”

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Men from the bow – part two

19/07/2009

So you want to be a Bowman? Or Bow woman ?

Maybe you’re tired of being an under appreciated grinder. Or you have finally shed that extra 20 pounds and feel it’s time to redeem yourself on the pointy end. Well here is a short test to get you going in the right direction and help you to see if you have what it takes to become a bowman.

First of all, to be a good bowman, you must have a high tolerance for pain under many adverse conditions. Dealing with pain and continuing to perform the duties of the bow is paramount to being successful in this position. Seeing if you have what it takes is simple, just follow these few steps.

1. To make things realistic, start a cold shower and get in. I recommend wearing your foul weather gear, but that’s up to you.
2. Spin around about ten times or so, just enough to make it seem like the shower is “heeled over”.
3. Now, with a medium sized frying pan, give yourself a good whack on the top of the head while yelling “MADE!”
4. Repeat steps 2 and 3 every five minutes or until you black out. SEE FIG. 1


If you made it through this exercise at least five times without loosing conscienceness or ending up in the emergency room, then congratulations, you are ready for the next level. If you didn’t, then you’d better stay behind the mast you wimp!

OK, as soon as the swelling goes down it is time to see if you have the brains to be on the bow. The bow is a very mentally challenging position. This exercise will give you a good idea if you have what it takes.

To test your problem solving skills, go to your local toy store and buy a Rubicks Cube, you might already have one lurking around your basement from the mid ’80s. Once you have found one, follow these short steps to see if you are sharp enough for the front of the boat, or if you are destined to turn a winch for the rest of your days.

1. Take your “Cube” into a completely dark room or closet, or if you are at work, a blind fold will do just fine.
2 . Have a buddy time you at solving the puzzle, and since you will experience lots of distractions on the foredeck, have your buddy smack you on the face repeatedly while you complete this task (quit whining, do you want to be a bowman or not ? ) .
See FIG . 2


If you were able to solve the puzzle in less than 3 minutes then you probably already have Dennis Connor on speed dial . Under 5 and you probably wear your harness to work under your business suit. Anything under 10 and you have what it takes but you need a little more practice . If it took you 10 minutes or more, well, lets just say there is always a future as a tactician.

Our next exercise is one of mental toughness, to see if you have the “clock weights”, if you will, to persevere through the torment and ridicule that will surely come from the other crewmembers aboard .
This is our final test, so good luck .

1. For five days you are not allowed to speak to anyone, not your roommate, spouse, siblings, parents, kids, friends, boss, coworkers, NO ONE .
2 . You are only allowed to verbally communicate in the form of yelling and screaming. This includes phone conversations .
3 . Be sure to include as much profanity in each sentence as possible.

So for an example, if your boss asks for an over due report. Instead of saying “I will have it for you right away sir.” You could say “I WILL HAVE THE #&*$@% REPORT FOR YOU AS SOON AS IT IS @*&%#@ DONE, %&#$ FACE!” Of course you can insert your own profanity where you see fit .

Once you have completed this exercise you should have a good idea of what it is like to be on the bow of a high performance racing sailboat. The faces people have given you and the obscene hand gestures you have received during this last five days are very similar to the ones you will receive in your new position on the bow. However, if you made it through this exercise and you are still married, your friends still call you or talk to you, and you still have a job, then you didn’t try hard enough. You will undoubtedly fold under the pressure of this demanding position, in other words you are a wuss. Don’t feel too bad though, not everyone is cut out for this life. It is lonely world up there, some sailors just can’t handle the stress and separation. Just be thankful that you took this exam, think of all the pain and ridicule you have saved yourself.

If you passed all three tests, then congratulations. Once the bandages come off and you have begged your boss for your job back, the next step is to get your name on your local crew list as an “Aspiring Bowman”. Be sure to mention that you have passed the “bowmansunion.com introductory self-examination for beginning bowmen”. Bring along the Rubicks Cube and a blindfold to any interviews with skippers and you are sure to have a fast ride on the bow of your choice.

Copyright: Jeff Pearson.
Source: bowmansunion

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5 juli 2009: De Toet Special

05/07/2009

Afb016De ideale schoonzoon met de goudblonde lokken doet eventjes een lekker slapie slapie op het achterdek. Dodelijk vermoeid na een helse tocht met onze prachtige teambus. Helemaal weer fris na 3 eurie douchen in de luxe badkamers in de haven van Wemeldinge. De hulptroepen waren gearriveerd en hij kon eindelijk even ontspannen en bijkomen van alle commotie van de dag en de daaraan voorafgaande avond. Want Toet had het eventjes helemaal gehad. Hij had er tabak van. Hij had het geschoten met een grote G. Een turbo slaapje van een anderhalf uur is net wat hij nodig heeft.  Pure onverstoorde rust bij de ondergaande zon met uitzicht over een prachtige Oosterschelde.

Toet deed eventjes de oogjes toe. Misschien droomde hij wel hierover…..

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Boat Tunes – deel 4

30/06/2009

Ode aan alle voordekkers “You can’t be me, I’m a rockstar”